


Richie Tozier: Pray Away the Gay

by QueerOnTilMorning



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Fix-It, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Post-Canon, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier's Stand Up Act
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:06:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21545764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueerOnTilMorning/pseuds/QueerOnTilMorning
Summary: Following a year of personal revelations, Richie Tozier is back with his most intimate special yet.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 107
Kudos: 953





	Richie Tozier: Pray Away the Gay

Richie Tozier: Pray Away the Gay

Official Transcript

Wow, it's really great to see you all! This is incredible. I wasn't sure I was ever going to do this again. Last year I did something that I was really scared was going to end my comedy career, just totally--that's it, fuck you, go home. I put it off for a long-ass time, but I finally had to nut up and do it. Some of you may know about this already, you might have heard when it happened, but I stopped hating myself.

Thank you. It was scary! If I don't have a deep well of self-loathing to draw from, if I don't have a pathological need to make jokes so that people will tolerate my presence, am I gonna lose my job? You know, for a comedian, having emotional stability is like, it's a pre-existing condition. You can get disqualified. So I appreciate you all showing up to find out if I'm still funny now that I'm in therapy.

Okay, also, I came out. Yeah! Everyone knows I'm gay now! A lot of people were upset! Some straight dudes who were big fans of the, like, shitty closeted fake jokes I used to tell, and honestly, prayers up for those guys, they'll figure it out eventually, right? No one who actually likes women could possibly find my old act funny. It's not--no. It was really bad and totally offensive to all women and most straight men. If you liked my old act, you're wrong, but hang in there, dudes. You'll like it out here. No, but also a surprising number of gay men were annoyed about it! They were like "ew, no." Like, your application for citizenship has been rejected. No! We don't want you! Back into the closet, you gremlin! You fucking… you look like if Slenderman was a washed-up boy band member!

I saw this guy at Pride, he was wearing a shirt that said "I came out of the closet to make room for more shoes," and that's like--I respect that so much, but it is the opposite of me. I stayed in the closet for forty years because what the fuck else was I going to do with it? Do I look like I hang up my shirts? No, I fucking don't. I look like--did anyone watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer? I look like Xander. You know how there was like, Buffy had superpowers, and there was a witch, and a sexy librarian who knew everything, and then there was just this… dude with bad clothes who talked a lot of shit. Xander! That's me! I'm the Xander of my own life. I literally have a friend who's a sexy librarian. What am I even contributing, you know? Why haven't I been killed off yet? The only character on that show who  _ isn't _ a gay icon, that's the one I relate to. Fucking tragic. So there were some gay guys, when I came out, they were like, not one of us! Not one of us!

But fuck those guys, because I am! I am living proof that you don't have to dress well to be gay! Representation, motherfuckers! We're here, we're queer, we've worn these pants three days in a row. But I was really never going to tell anybody. I was going to keep it secret and die alone, that's it, that was the Richie Tozier daily affirmation. Keep it secret and die alone. I think we're selling t-shirts out there.

Because I grew up in this little town called Derry, Maine--nope, absolutely not, do not cheer for that. Fuck Derry! I had this friend, for years he thought I was lactose intolerant, because he'd mention dairy and I'd be like "fuck Derry! Derry tried to fucking kill me!" No, I can eat cheese, I just hate my hometown. They did _ not _ fuck with the gays, in Derry. That's probably why I dress so shitty. It's a survival thing. I was already super into dudes. If I had developed fashion sense on top of that? No. Oh my God. It was so--I was so fucking scared all the time.

And like, to put this in perspective, has anyone ever heard of Henry Bowers? Any true crime fans in the house? Henry Bowers, the baby serial killer? Yeah, you listened to that podcast! My friend Bill was on that podcast, doesn't he have a sexy voice? Anyway, Henry Bowers, also known very creatively as The Derry Killer, murdered a bunch of kids the summer we were thirteen. I say we, because that dude was in my fucking  _ class. _ There was an active serial killer in Derry during my childhood and still, _ still _ my greatest fear was that someone would find out I was gay.

I don't know what would have happened. Probably they would have just wrapped me up and mailed me to Henry Bowers, like, here you go, don't bury it all in one place. Send me to the fucking Arkham Asylum in a care package. Maybe conversion therapy, stick electrodes in my brain and just Clockwork Orange my shit until I liked chicks, that seems like good old-fashioned Derry fun. Pray away the gay. You know, we've pretty much proven at this point that "pray away the gay" doesn't work, except--let me tell you, it fuckin' works on me. If you start praying, out loud, my homosexual ass will leave. If I stay too long at dinner, and you're trying to close the restaurant? Pray away the gay, buddy! I'll just, like, oh, are you having a conversation with God? That's probably--I should leave you alone for this. It works! Prayer has been found to be extremely effective at reducing the amount of Richie Tozier in your immediate vicinity. Pray away the gay!

Anyway, I went back to Derry, to meet up with some old friends. We had a little reunion thing. We were this weird group of kids, nerdy little fuckers, we called ourselves the Losers Club, right? Couldn't get a date, got the shit kicked out of us on the regular. And all of them, every single one of them is fucking hot now. It's like there was this gang of ugly ducklings, and everyone turned into a swan, except for me, the token turkey vulture. Everyone else got hot and I just got tall. One guy even had the nerve to get hot _ and _ tall, like, he's taller than me, he couldn't even let me have that. Fuck you, Mike. I would literally die for you at any moment, but fuck you for getting hot and also tall. Fuck you for towering over me with your perfectly chiseled face. And these were my best friends from childhood, really the best friends I've ever had in my life, but I wasn't gonna tell them I was gay, either. Keep it secret and die alone! I live by a code! But then, oh my God. But then there was this boy.

This was The Boy from when I was a kid, the boy that made the clouds part and the gay angels sing, okay? You know what that's like? If it wasn't for this kid, I don't know how long it would have taken me to figure out that I was gay, but he used to wear these tiny little shorts and it was… you guys, it was extremely clarifying. Those shorts gave me an epiphany. They gave me so many epiphanies. Sometimes I'd miss class because I was in the bathroom waiting for my epiphany to go away. Oh my God. Pray away the gay, Richie! The whole reason I'm so annoying, I was this weird-looking kid with giant glasses that were like, basically an individual fish tank for each one of my eyes, I was  _ not attractive, _ okay, but I needed this boy to look at me. So I start telling the dumbest jokes, just whatever absolute garbage I can say to get him to pay attention to me. It's a lot of variations on "your mom" jokes. And the thing is that it kind of works! I mean, he spends all his time telling me what a fucking idiot I am, but he's pointing his _ face _ at me, so I just keep saying dumb shit so I can keep looking at that face, and that's fundamentally the reason we're all here tonight. If I had been, at any point in my adolescence, good-looking, you could be doing something worthwhile with your evening!

And so my friends and I are seeing each other again for the first time in decades, and he walks in, the boy whose shorts prompted my sexual awakening. He walks in, and I immediately have an epiphany. I'm forty! It usually takes me a while to get epiphanies these days! But I'm like, holy shit, where's Henry Bowers when you need him? Because this kid got so fucking hot, honestly, I would rather be murdered than have to fucking look at him. He's so beautiful! He got muscles and a jawline, and I'm over here looking like someone tried to build Charles Manson out of pipe cleaners. It's not fair. He's gorgeous and successful and married, and I'm a fucking gay turkey vulture.

But, okay, here's the weird part. So while we were all back in Derry--and just as a reminder, fuck Derry--this guy, the stupid hot guy I was in love with as a kid, he ends up in the hospital. I can't really, HIPAA regulations and also the fifth amendment prevent me from giving you more details, but we all thought he was going to die. And I got very emotional. The first guy I ever jerked it to was in critical condition! Plus, he was still incredibly hot! I was so upset and horny. It was more feelings than I knew how to deal with, so I just, like, started talking, because that's what I do, and a minute later I'm confessing that I'm in love with him and I always have been. And he was like, dude, same!

I know! What the fuck? He was into me the whole time! While I was having an identity crisis about his thighs, he was looking at me and going, I bet if I kissed this dumb son of a bitch he'd stop fucking  _ talking.  _ He was like, I wonder if his dick is as thick as his glasses? I don't get it either! He likes tall stupid guys. That's his thing. He's very into craning his neck back and being angry. I'm not going to question it too much. I don't want to kink-shame him. He's into me, that's obviously insane, but I'm just gonna roll with it.

So we do this whole eleventh hour love confession thing, very emotional, it's always been you, and then what happened was… he died. Thank you very much, that's my show!

You assholes! I can't believe you laughed at that! How dare you! He was the love of my life and--No, okay, I'm obviously lying. He's fine. He has a really sexy scar. We had this whirlwind romance in the hospital while he was convalescing, it was amazing. Who here likes shower sex? Yeah? Well, let me tell you about sponge bath sex! It's--yeah. No. Oh my God, the nurses hated me so much. You spent money to come listen to me talk tonight, but imagine if you showed up at your _ job, _ where you  _ work,  _ where you  _ devote your life to helping sick people, _ and I was just there, acting like this. That's when you need to pray the gay away. That's when you're like, our father who art in heaven, I fucking can't with this asshole right now. Okay! Shit! I'm gone! Pray the gay away.

Anyway, he got better, and did not die, and also did not kill me even after I spent every day with him in the hospital for two weeks, so I know it's real. That's what I look for in a man, you know, it's the not murdering me that really gets me going. And so I had to come out, and he had to get a divorce. Yeah! It's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done. Oh, your boyfriend got a diamond ring for you? My boyfriend got a divorce for me.

So I actually, I met my boyfriend's ex-wife. Did you know people can be friendly with their exes? That's a thing? Not when you're closeted, I've never experienced that. Or maybe it's just that no one who's normal would want to be friendly with me. No, but if you never acknowledged that you were dating, you can't be like "hey, this didn't work out but I still respect you as a person." No! If you're closeted and run into your ex, it's like "fuck you, person I've never met before! You hot complete stranger who I hate! It's nice to meet you, I hope you die."

But my boyfriend and his ex, they're civil. They get along fine. We had dinner with her one time when she was in LA. And I think partly it was because she was really curious about me, you know, what's my fucking deal, who's her former husband shacking up with? They were really adult and thoughtful to each other about the whole thing, he did his best to not be a shitbag about it, but, end of the day, he left her for someone else. Like, she probably wasn't thrilled! I might not be her favorite person! So we get together for dinner and she's, like, checking me out. And I can see the moment it all makes sense in her head. She looks at her ex, and she looks at me, and it all clicks, and she's like "oh, okay, there's something wrong with him."

She felt better! Like, immediately! I could see it happen. She was like, "I married a man who was deeply broken in his brain, and he left me for this fucking haunted scarecrow." It's not like he left her for a  _ hot _ guy. That's the kind of thing that could really hurt someone's feelings. But this? This is just--it's so clearly not her fault, you know? She was obviously so relieved. Whatever's going on here, whatever weird emotional issues he's working through that make him sexually attracted to a broomstick dressed in the clothes Macklemore passed over at the thrift store, it just has nothing to do with her. Like, at some point she probably asked herself, "what can Richie give him that I can't?" And then she met me, and she realized that the answer is, like… rabies. I look like a werewolf with a hangover and  _ that's his fucking type _ . I'm just this gross person, and he's into that, and that's not on her! She literally did nothing wrong. She's great! She's very nice. I hope she's doing well. Meanwhile I'm doing her ex-husband.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I know. It's just, I couldn't talk about being gay for so long, you know? There's all this shit that I kept to myself, and now I get to say it, and it's amazing. I love saying "my boyfriend." My boyfriend's name is Eddie, by the way, and we're both men and I'm very attracted to him and also in love with him. Yes homo. There are so many important thoughts I didn't share with anyone for years! Like, you know who I'd fuck? Idris Elba. Idris Elba is hot. I don't know if anyone's ever said that before, but I'm going to say it now because it's my truth. I would fuck him, or he could fuck me, I'm fine with whatever Idris Elba is into. He's hot! I held that inside for so long! It feels good to get it off my chest!

Eddie hates that joke. He's not jealous, we both know Idris isn't going to take me up on it, he just thinks it's dishonest to portray myself as versatile. He's like, stop appropriating switch culture. Okay. I'm sorry, Idris, I lied. I am not actually a switch. I'm not going to tell you what I am. Idris can call me if he's curious. The rest of you, fuck off.

So my boyfriend asked for a divorce, and literally like the next second I was on Twitter, all "I have a fucking boyfriend!" And our friends were kind of pissed that we didn't tell them first, before we made it official, but they were also there for the whole situation. At a certain point I shouldn't have to spell it out for these motherfuckers. Like, they visited him while he was recovering, which was when we were getting together, so every one of them has at one point or another walked in on us making out in a hospital bed. You know how those things can go up and down? Well, I figured out how to use that to--no, I'm not telling you! It's my signature move. It's trademarked. Idris, I'll show you sometime. Anyway, our friends had all the information, okay? It's not my fault! They should have known! You walk in on me with my head under another dude's paper hospital dress, I don't have to give you a formal announcement that I'm gay! Put it together for yourselves! Fuck!

So they were all pissed that they found out on Twitter, but otherwise they were great, which was not a surprise. They're amazing, my friends, they're--you realize that I'm like this all the time, right? This thing where I talk for an hour without giving anyone else the chance to say a word? That's not a skill I developed to be a comedian. That's just my personality. I'm fucking like this in real life, and somehow my friends love me anyway. So obviously if they weren't deterred by how I act and talk and dress and everything about me, if they were willing to overlook the entirety of who I am as a person, a little sodomy was not going to drive them away. Not surprised, but definitely still grateful.

My parents, I was nervous about my parents finding out, but they actually handled it really well, just completely… continued not talking to me for the past twenty years. It was beautiful. Like, me being gay doesn't at all change the way they feel about me, which is totally uninterested, no emotional investment whatsoever. Actually, they might be dead. I'm not sure anyone would bother to tell me. I wonder if they ever see, like, an ad for one of my shows, and they're like "oh, honey, doesn't he kind of look like… remember that annoying child we used to know? What was his name?" Sorry, I don't mean to get sentimental. You can laugh! You can laugh at that! If you don't laugh then it sounds like I'm a sad person.

What's so great about having parents who acknowledge your existence, anyway? What do you get out of that? Normal emotional development? Self-esteem? What the fuck would I do with that? That shit's not funny. Knock knock! Who's there? The unconditional support of the people who raised you. What? That's not even a fucking joke. Fuck you!

So now I'm forty, I've been in the closet my whole life, I have no idea what a relationship is supposed to look like. I'm not sure if my parents were happily married or not. They didn't share their personal lives with me. I think I was about twelve when I realized that my mom and dad knew each other. Like, I saw a picture on the wall and I realized it was these two adults who live in my house and don't talk to me. They're in a picture together! Holy shit, they've met! What a weird coincidence.

I'm basically a feral child, okay? My friends and I were just this, like, wolf pack that roamed around in the woods and raised each other. We were so unsupervised. I would yell "I'll be at Bill's house" in the general direction of upstairs and then go spelunking in the sewer system for three days. No one cared. There was a fucking serial killer on the loose and I didn't even have a curfew. It's a miracle I know how to use indoor plumbing, or, like, walk on my hind legs. I actually have a reminder set on my phone, every day it tells me "Stand upright to blend in with the humans!" It's working, right? I think I'm pulling it off.

But now I have a boyfriend! My boyfriend, he's so fucking cute and I love him so much, and now he lives with me, so I have to pretend to be a human being  _ all the time. _ He moved into my house and immediately was like, where are your cleaning supplies? Isn't that adorable? He's so into me, he's deluded himself into thinking I own cleaning supplies. I directed him to a shelf with half a roll of paper towels. I was so proud. Ta-da! I bought this the last time I went on an anxiety-fueled self-improvement bender. So he's like "when was that?" I don't know, but it was a really productive week. I think I also got my flu shot and voted for Obama.

And he's… You guys, he's so fucking type A. He's like, you look at him and you know in your soul he has never worn day-of-the-week underwear on the wrong day. Not once in his life. It's so hot! It really adds something. Every time I take off his pants, I'm not just going to get laid, I'm going to know what the fuck day I'm getting laid on. I will not have to wonder! I love living with him. I'm learning so much. Did you know that if you spill something on your shirt, you can just wash it out and then no one will know? Yes! Witchcraft! I know! No one ever told me about this before. There are magic potions that will take tomato sauce right the fuck out of your clothing. Also, speaking of tomato sauce, it turns out I had a whole room in my house that was just for making food. You might have one too, you should check! Plus I have a hot boyfriend who likes to cook, but that didn't come with the house. Hot boyfriend sold separately.

I like him so much! You know what's cool about being gay? Dating someone you like. It's great! Gay people like each other! If you meet a dude, and he's like, this is my boyfriend, you can assume with a high degree of accuracy that they, on a basic level, they enjoy each other's company. You can't--I'm sorry but you can't assume that about straight people! You know that shitty act I used to do? About my girlfriend, my fake girlfriend who I resented and we were mean to each other and I did awful things behind her back? Oh my God! It was the worst! My fake girlfriend who doesn't exist deserved so much better! Justice for Richie Tozier's fake girlfriend. She went through so much. She should get half the royalties from that shitty act. Again, she doesn't exist, but I should still give her half my money because I was such a terrible fake boyfriend. Anyway, the thing is, no one ever--no one was ever like, "Bullshit! No one would say such awful things about his romantic partner! I call shenanigans, sir! This is a farce!" No. No one ever saw through it, because straight men really do talk about their girlfriends and wives that way all the time! That was a credible imitation of male heterosexuality! Holy shit, that's depressing.

There are good straight couples, I'm not saying there aren't! My friends Bev and Ben are a good straight couple. Oh, yeah, fuck you if you thought I wasn't going to find an opportunity to name-drop my brilliant, accomplished, and incredibly attractive friends, Ben Hanscom and Beverly Marsh. Formerly of Rogan and Marsh, now just Bev Marsh Designs, because she won her lawsuit against her piece-of-shit ex-husband, fuck that guy. Yeah! I know them! We have a group chat! God, they're so pretty together, aren't they? Did you see those pictures of them in People last week? And the wild thing is, neither of them is using the other for their money, or their fame, or their ridiculously, annoyingly great bodies. No, they're just, like, really fucking in love. It's kind of gay. They're basically the straight version of my boyfriend and me, actually. They fell in love decades ago, but it took them until just recently to figure their shit out. We were afraid of getting hate crimed, I don't know what their excuse is. They're just chickenshit little bitches. I should mention that I ran that joke by Beverly before I put it in the show, because she could kill me and make it look like an accident. I love them so much. They're an extremely straight couple but they like each other a gay amount.

Because gay people? We fucking like our partners! Like, whatever, I'm sure there are some gays in shitty resentful codependent relationships out there, but we fucking go through it, okay? My boyfriend got a divorce, moved across the country, half his friends stopped talking to him. I had people tell me that coming out would end my career. And it didn't, obviously, hi, but maybe you noticed, this is a much smaller venue than the ones I was playing on my last tour. Ticket sales took a hit. I'm not going to whine about it that much, it's still better than getting a real job, but I do have actual data on how many people stopped liking me now that I'm gay. I know the percentage! This is quantitative! Plus, like, we spent thirty years scared to admit we loved each other because we grew up in a town with a varsity gay-bashing team. It was hard! It was an uphill battle, getting together. We didn't go through all that shit so I could get up here and fucking bitch about my boyfriend ironing his jeans, or what the fuck ever. No! He has some weird things he does, like laundry, but every freaky little thing about him just makes him hotter. I worked so hard to get here, and it was so fucking worth it. I am madly in love with that travel-sized Adonis of a man, and I wasted half my life not being with him, and now I'm going to get up here and talk about how fucking great he is, and you're going to shut up and listen, motherfuckers!

Yes! Thank you! That's the gay agenda! Date someone you like, and remind them you like them all the fucking time. Thank you! You've been great, you guys, I'm Richie Tozier and my boyfriend is very good-looking. Have a great night!

**Author's Note:**

> I know lots of people have done "Richie's stand-up" docs, and there was no real need for me to do another one, but... I still did! Because I felt like it!


End file.
